Do you find yourself saying things to yourself like, “I’m not good enough,” “I always fail, so why bother trying?,” “I don’t think they like me,” or any number of other harsh, self-critical thoughts?

If you’ve become aware of these thoughts, you’re probably wondering, “Why am I so hard on myself?” and struggle to figure out how to change them.

Unfortunately, many people say harsh, self-defeating things to themselves that they would never say to someone they care about.

They hold themselves to impossibly high standards, focus on what went wrong instead of what went right, and struggle to recognize their own strengths and accomplishments.

Over time, this pattern of self-criticism can take a toll on mental and emotional well-being. It can contribute to anxiety, low self-worth, shame, perfectionism, depression, and feelings of never quite measuring up.

As a psychologist in Coquitlam, one of the main things I help clients with is understanding where these self-critical thoughts are coming from, because that is the starting point for healing and creating lasting change.

What Self-Criticism Can Look Like

Self-criticism doesn’t always show up in the same way for everyone. Here are some common ways it shows up:

• Replaying mistakes you made long after they happen
• Dismissing compliments or achievements
• Feeling like nothing you do is ever enough
• Comparing yourself to others and feeling behind or not as good as them
• Holding yourself to standards you wouldn’t expect from anyone else
• Feeling guilty when resting or taking time for yourself

Over time, these defeating thoughts become a part of your identity, shaping how you see yourself, your abilities, and your sense of self-worth. 

Where Does Self-Criticism Come From?

Self-critical thoughts don’t come out of nowhere. They form from past experiences, environments, and messages we absorb over time that shape how we see ourselves and our worth.

For many people, these patterns begin early in life. They may develop from growing up with families having high expectations, receiving frequent criticism, pressures to succeed, or environments where mistakes were judged rather than understood.

For others, self-criticism may stem from experiences of rejection, neglect, bullying, trauma, or situations that felt embarrassing, painful, or unsafe.

These beliefs are often passed down through family, culture, school, or other influential environments.

Over time, these patterns of self-criticism can begin to serve a function, even if we don’t consciously realize it. They may be trying to:

• Protect us from making mistakes
• Help us avoid disappointment
• Prevent rejection
• Push us to achieve more

In that sense, self-criticism can feel like a way of staying in control or keeping ourselves safe.

How Self-Criticism Affects Mental Health

The problem is that what may have started as a protective strategy can eventually become a harsh inner dialogue that impacts self-worth, emotional well-being, and our ability to see ourselves with compassion.

Many people assume being hard on themselves helps them stay motivated or achieve more. In reality, chronic self-criticism often creates the opposite effect.

When the mind is constantly focused on what’s wrong, what could have been done better, or what might go wrong next time, it can contribute to:

• Anxiety and overthinking
• Feelings of shame or inadequacy
• Low self-worth
• Perfectionism
• Stress and overwhelm
• Depression

Instead of creating confidence, self-criticism often leaves people feeling exhausted, discouraged, and stuck.

No matter how much they “do right”.

Why Is It So Difficult to Stop Self-Criticizing Thoughts?

Many people become aware of their self-critical thoughts and genuinely want to change them. Yet despite their efforts, the same thoughts continue to show up again and again.

One reason these patterns can be difficult to change is that they have often been reinforced over many years.

Over time, self-critical thoughts can become so familiar that they no longer feel like thoughts at all. Instead, they begin to feel like facts about who you are.

When this happens, it becomes difficult to question them because they have become woven into your self-image and sense of self-worth.

This is why simply trying to silence the thoughts or replace them with positive ones rarely creates lasting change.

To create lasting change, it’s important to understand the experiences and beliefs that shaped these patterns and learn new ways of relating to yourself.

Bringing the Pattern Into Awareness

One of the first steps toward change is becoming more aware of the pattern itself.

Rather than immediately trying to eliminate self-critical thoughts, it can be helpful to start noticing when they show up and what may be triggering them.

You might start by:

• Paying attention to recurring self-critical thoughts and writing them down when they arise
• Looking for common themes or beliefs underneath them
• Exploring where those thoughts may have originated
• Noticing the situations, people, or emotions that tend to trigger them

Awareness helps create space between you and the inner critic. Once a pattern becomes visible, it becomes easier to understand and work with.

From there, you can begin questioning whether these thoughts are accurate reflections of who you are today or simply old patterns that developed through past experiences. This can help you relate to yourself with greater compassion, understanding, and acceptance.

When Professional Support Can Help

It’s not always easy to identify where self-critical thoughts are coming from. The source of these thoughts isn’t always obvious and may even be suppressed.

And even when you begin to understand where they originated, the thoughts can still persist despite your best efforts to change them. Over time, they can affect your confidence, relationships, decision-making, and overall well-being, particularly when anxiety, depression, trauma, or other emotional challenges are also involved.

When this happens, working with a mental health professional can help you better understand and address the root of the pattern.

In my Coquitlam practice, I take a brain-wise, body-informed approach to therapy. Together, we explore the experiences, beliefs, and emotional patterns that may have contributed to these self-critical thoughts in the first place.

I integrate Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) to help clients identify and challenge these self-defeating beliefs. I also incorporate body-based approaches including Somatic Experiencing and Self-Regulation Therapy, which help regulate nervous system responses that can keep people feeling stuck in old patterns. By working with both the mind and the body, we can create deeper and more lasting change.

You can learn more about my therapeutic approach here and get in touch if you’d like to explore working together. 

Moving Toward a Healthier Relationship With Yourself

If you’ve been asking yourself, “Why am I so hard on myself?”, remember that self-critical thoughts are not a reflection of your worth. They are learned patterns that developed for a reason.

When you begin to understand where these thoughts come from and the role they’ve played in your life, they begin to lose their power. This creates an opportunity to address them, reshape them, and develop new ways of relating to yourself.

And if these patterns feel too difficult to work through on your own, then the next step is getting support from a professional.

With awareness, understanding, and support, it becomes possible to replace self-criticism with greater compassion and develop a healthier relationship with yourself.

Too often people ignore the signs that they may be experiencing burnout. They’ll often label their symptoms as just being stressed.

As a psychologist in Coquitlam, I have many clients come in wondering whether they are dealing with temporary stress or something deeper. 

They often feel overwhelmed, mentally exhausted, or stretched too thin. Usually, they’ve tried a few things on their own to reduce stress, but find it continues to persist or even feels like it’s getting worse.

The difference between stress and burnout isn’t always obvious, partly because some of the symptoms can feel similar. However, the two are connected, as burnout is the result of prolonged, unrelieved stress.

So let’s take a closer look at both stress and burnout, how they show up, and what can actually help you begin to recover.

What Is Stress?

Stress is your mind and body’s natural response to pressure, demand, or perceived threat. In some situations, stress can be helpful. It can increase focus, motivate action, and help you meet responsibilities. However, it can lead to more challenges when the stress is persistent and your nervous system stays in a more activated state for longer periods of time.

Stress often feels like there is too much for you to manage and not enough time or capacity to deal with it.

For some people, stress builds from ongoing responsibilities like work, caregiving, or finances. For others, it may come from relationship challenges, major life changes, or health concerns. Sometimes, it’s not just one thing, but a buildup of many smaller stressors over time.

Over time, carrying this kind of pressure can start to take a toll on both your mind and your body.

How Do You Know If You’re Stressed?

Some common signs that you are dealing with stress are:

• Feeling mentally “on” all the time
• Racing thoughts or difficulty relaxing
• Irritability or snapping more easily at loved ones
• Physical tension such as tight shoulders, jaw, or headaches
• Trouble falling or staying asleep
• Feeling like you can never get ahead or find a solution

What Is Burnout?

Burnout is a deeper state of emotional, mental, and physical exhaustion that develops when stress continues over time without enough recovery, support, or space to reset.

Over time, what once felt like too much pressure can shift into depletion. In other words, feeling overwhelmed can turn into feeling like you have nothing left to give.

In the body, this often shows up as ongoing fatigue and low energy. Even with rest, you may still feel tired, have difficulty concentrating, or find it harder to stay motivated and engaged in daily tasks.

Burnout is commonly associated with the workplace, especially in high-demand or high-responsibility roles like working in Healthcare. 

However, it is not limited to work. It can also develop in caregiving roles, parenting, relationship stress, or any situation where demands consistently outweigh the time and space available to recover.

How Do You Know If You’re Burnt Out?

You may be burnt out if you feel:

• Constant exhaustion or fatigue
• Emotional numbness or disconnection
• Loss of motivation and ability to stay focused
• Cynicism, resentment, or feeling numb
• Withdrawing from responsibilities or relationships
• A sense that you no longer feel like yourself

How Stress Turns Into Burnout

Stress doesn’t usually turn into burnout suddenly. It tends to happen gradually.

At first, you may feel busy, under pressure, or stretched thin, but still able to keep up. You push through, get things done, and tell yourself things will settle down soon.

But when that pressure continues without enough time to recover, something starts to shift.

Instead of feeling overwhelmed but still able to manage your daily tasks, you may begin to feel more tired, less motivated, and start to disengage. Even getting through work or completing simple day-to-day tasks can begin to feel more difficult.

This shift can be easy to miss, especially if you’re used to pushing through or taking on a lot. What once felt like a temporary period of stress or overwhelm can slowly become something more persistent.

No matter how long stress has been present for you, it’s important to address it early rather than allowing it to persist.

How to Reduce Stress and Prevent Burnout

When stress is ongoing, small and consistent changes can help reduce the load and prevent it from building into burnout. This doesn’t require a complete overhaul. Often, it starts with a few intentional shifts.

Some helpful starting points include:

• Setting clearer boundaries: limiting work outside of your scheduled hours or saying no when you’re already at capacity.

• Reducing your overall responsibilities: Delegate tasks to others or begin to eliminate extra responsibilities whenever possible.

• Practice self-care: prioritize getting enough sleep, eating regular nourishing meals, and incorporating intentional physical movement into your daily routine.

• Staying connected to your support system: talk about your daily stresses with someone you trust so you’re not holding it all inside.

These strategies can help, especially as preventative measures. 

However, when stress continues to build and feels unmanageable or even begins to shift into burnout, it may be a sign that additional support is needed.

When to Seek Therapy in Coquitlam

You do not have to wait until you are fully burnt out to seek support. 

It may be time to consider therapy if stress is affecting your sleep, mood, or relationships, if you feel stuck in patterns you cannot shift, or if you are experiencing signs of burnout such as exhaustion, numbness, or disengagement.

In my therapy practice in Coquitlam, I take a brain-wise, body-informed approach to therapy. This means we work with both your thought patterns and your nervous system responses.

Through a safe and attuned therapeutic relationship, we use co-regulation to help your nervous system begin to settle. From there, you can learn to regulate stress responses, shift out of shutdown or low-motivation states, and build a more stable sense of resilience and emotional flexibility.

I integrate approaches such as Somatic Experiencing and Self-Regulation Therapy to support the nervous system, along with Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy to help identify and shift unhelpful thought patterns. You can learn more about my therapeutic approach here.

There Is a Way Through Stress and Burnout 

When stress continues or begins to shift into burnout, it can become harder to manage on your own. Over time, it’s not just about reducing symptoms, but understanding what your mind and body have been carrying and creating the conditions for real healing.

Through therapy, you have the opportunity to slow things down and work through what’s been building beneath the surface.

If you’re ready for support, you can reach out today to book an initial consultation and learn more about working together.

There isn’t always a clear moment when someone decides to start therapy.

Sometimes the signs are obvious like the loss of a loved one or a very traumatic event. Other times, it is less clear.

But it usually begins with questioning if what you’re feeling is just a normal temporary life struggle or if you need to seek therapy.

You may still be managing your day-to-day life. Showing up to work, taking care of responsibilities, but internally, something feels harder than it used to.

Here are some of the common signs it may be time to seek therapy that I see in my Coquitlam practice.

1. When your mind doesn’t give you a break

Even when things are relatively calm, your thoughts keep going. You feel like you are always overthinking and aren’t sure how to slow the thoughts down.

You replay conversations. 

You second-guess decisions. 

You jump ahead to what could go wrong. 

There is rarely a time when you are living in the present moment. There are either thoughts from the past or the future looping in your mind.

This often reflects both learned thinking patterns from past experiences or trauma and a nervous system that is having difficulty settling.

2. When your reactions feel bigger than the moment

Maybe you’ve noticed that you feel more triggered or overwhelmed by even small stressors than you used to.

And once you are activated, you feel like it takes a lot longer for you to calm back down. Which leaves you feeling constantly on edge.

Some may see this as “overreacting,” but it is actually your nervous system that has adapted to living in a fight-or-flight state, often due to repeated past high stress situations.

3. When things start to feel numb or disconnected

Not everything feels intense. Sometimes it is the opposite.

You might be feeling:

• Low energy or low motivation
• You don’t enjoy the things you used to as much
• you feel like you are just going through the motions in your day-to-day life without much presence

Feeling numb or disconnected can sometimes be associated with depression, but it can also reflect a nervous system that has shifted into a protective, low-energy state after ongoing stress, grief or trauma. This feeling can also be known as burnout.

4. When relationship patterns keep repeating

You may notice the same patterns showing up across different relationships.

For example:

• holding things in, then feeling resentful
• difficulty expressing your needs or setting boundaries
• pulling away when things feel uncomfortable
• feeling misunderstood by your partner
• getting caught up in the same types of relationships and emotional cycles

These patterns are often shaped by unresolved past experiences and how your system responds to stress, connection, and conflict. Over time, you wonder why the same relationship patterns keep repeating even when you want something different.

5. When self-awareness is not leading to change

Many people I work with are already very self-aware.

They can see their own patterns clearly. They know when they are overthinking or reacting in ways that do not feel helpful.

But despite that awareness, the patterns do not shift.

This is often where therapy becomes useful. It’s not just understanding the struggles at the cognitive level it’s also addressing it at the nervous system level.

Awareness is only one piece of the healing puzzle.

6. When life changes feel harder than expected

Life transitions can affect us more than we anticipate.

We often expect major losses like grief or divorce to be difficult, but even positive changes like a new job, a move, or a new relationship can disrupt your sense of stability.

You may notice:

• increased stress or anxiety
• difficulty adjusting to new routines
• feeling unsettled without a clear reason

Your mind and nervous system both take time to adjust to change. When something feels unfamiliar or uncertain, your system can interpret it as danger, even if the change is positive. 

If the stress feels ongoing or difficult to settle on your own that’s when it may be helpful to seek support.

7. When you feel lost or unsure about your direction

Sometimes the struggle is not just about stress or symptoms. It is a deeper sense of feeling off track or lost in life.

You may find yourself questioning:

• what you are doing with your life
• whether your choices feel aligned with who you are
• what your next step should be

There can be a sense of confusion, lack of clarity, or feeling disconnected from what feels meaningful.

These experiences often come up during periods of change or after moving through anxiety, stress, or low mood. As things begin to settle, deeper questions can surface about identity, purpose, and direction.

How I Approach Therapy in my Coquitlam practice

I use what I call a brain-wise, body-informed approach.

This means I look at both your thought patterns and your nervous system responses. Lasting change often involves both.

I integrate:

• Somatic Experiencing (SE) and Self-Regulation Therapy (SRT) to support the nervous system and help release stored stress patterns
• Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to identify and shift unhelpful or self-defeating thoughts
• A co-regulated therapeutic relationship, where safety and connection support emotional balance and change
• When relevant, elements of spiritual development to support deeper exploration of meaning, purpose, and self-understanding

No two people experience stress, anxiety, or life challenges in the same way. I tailor my approach to your specific situation rather than applying a fixed method.

My goal is to help you understand your patterns, support your nervous system, so you can navigate life’s challenges with greater ease, energy, and emotional balance.

A Supportive Next Step

If some of these signs it may be time to seek therapy are hitting home, you don’t have to wait until things feel overwhelming.

Whether you are navigating anxiety, moving through grief, or feeling uncertain about your direction and sense of purpose, you do not have to figure it out on your own.

I offer in person therapy in Coquitlam and virtual sessions across British Columbia, and I am here to meet you exactly where you are at.

If you are ready, you can book a free consultation and we can explore what the next step looks like for you.